[Endless Itch]

"What a itch ! Why so itchy !?"
I wonder while I scratch my skin endlessly.

Neverthless the appearance of my skin looks improving, the itch is still tremendous.
How can I manage this?

The skin of atopic dermatitis(AD) is mysterious.
It's just like a "itch-making machine".

Why does this tremendous itch occur?
Why does this disease send a signal of itch?
Will someday this mechanism be realy clarified?

..... I wake up due to itch, become fully awake because the itch does not end and murmur like above at night.

For a long time, I have been living a life in which I can never put itch and pain away.
I feel always itchy and/or painful other than the time when I am unconscious in short sleeps.
I cannot remember the times I was not so now.

In the beginning, I felt just
"I cannnot believe this, it's so hard, help me anyway, I want to leave here!".

Soon, I noticed that there're many people who live with various agonies in this world.
Those are various functional disorders and chronic symptoms due to congenital or aquired diseases or accidents.
Pangs or dyspneas which last 24 hours a day and have no hope to reduce.
How hard are they, too?

Ieyasu Tokugawa said, "A man's ife is like to go on a long road with a big load on his back".
We'll be happier if we can put the load off.
Happier if our agony leave.
But being sick tought me that we can live with agonies.

Agonies do not break our lives to the ones of no value; it's not the end of our lives even though we cannot release agonies.
However, if we see it from the opposite side, it's a hard fact as well that we cannot retire and have to keep up living even if we load agonies.

I heard a Japanese psychologist said when he got sick in a cancer,
"We can endure pain of others for years, but we can never endure pain of ourselves for a second".

I see sometimes healthy people are ignorant and audacious to us sick ones.
But I also understand that it'll be impossible for them to understand these thinking of us truly.
I decide I will not be worried about whatever they say.

When I am in deep agony, I feel as if all of my reasons, concentrations and will powers are robbed.
I am wretched and mortifying of myself who spend time just for being itchy.
I am about to decide myself valueless in such time.
A disease is like a damon.

For all that, fortunately I feel my agony is decreasing once in a while.
I set it blissful.

I will progress the times to be tipsy in the love potion of itch and pain for the time being.
(I say I'm not a masochist; I mean I'll enjoy my life.)

wrote in 2002 (translated in 2007.7.)@@

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